Today was a long day because I had a hard time sleeping last night.

Some friends of mine who live in Tennessee lost one of their friends the night before last. She’d been badly burned in a house fire & hospitalized for some time, and though I don’t know the details of how exactly she died, I assume it was due to complications from that. All day yesterday, my various internet newsfeeds were full of expressions of loss and sorrow as well as gratitude and love. I’d never met this girl, but I spent all day with a heavy feeling in my chest, trying to send all of my posi vibes to the people who loved her. 

I hadn’t heard from Diana all day, which is not typical, but I knew that she was going to Disneyland during the day, and covering an event for her internship in the evening, so, in my logical mind, I knew that she was just really busy. Still, I woke up an hour after going to bed in a legitimate panic attack, crying, and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I’m not typically at all fatalistic, but despite my best efforts to rationalize my way to a normal heart rate again, I couldn’t stop the worst-case-scenarios running through my head. I kept having these images in my head of her mom crying and of having to call all of our friends to give the worst possible news. I ended up texting her to see if she was ok (I didn’t want to call for fear of waking her up on behalf of my own senseless mania), and lay in bed crying on and off until she got back to me. Of course, it turned out that she was perfectly fine, that she had in fact just been super busy all day, and that there was absolutely nothing to worry about. I felt a little better as soon as she got back to me, told her that I loved her, & goodnight, but I stayed awake for a bit still thinking of how unimaginably awful it would be if anything ever happened to her, or to any of my friends. 

I sometimes joke about how I have to die young and before everyone that I care about because I wouldn’t be able to handle losing any of them, but that’s actually a very real thing that I genuinely worry about pretty often.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love all of you and that nothing at all bad can ever happen to you, ok? The next time I see you, let’s hug for a really long time & tell each other that we love one another, ok? Ok. 

This year, like most years, I don’t really feel like celebrating my birthday. When I think about the past year all together, I can recognize that, on the whole, it’s been a pretty good one, but I think the fact that the past few months have been bordering unbearable is so present in my mind that celebrating seems almost cruel. 

That said, when I checked the mail the other day to find this most perfect gift from Jaimie, who is half way across the world yet remains one of the most supportive & kind people in my life, the hard little rock in my chest cavity was delighted beyond belief. ♥