gowns:

abuse is not a fucking joke. jesus christ. if we find instances of abuse among public figures, that should be sparking discussions about abuse, and how to reduce + eliminate it. instead it’s a fucking clown chorus about what you would have done in her shoes, what you would do to him if you saw…

This is not something that I talk about often, and almost never publicly, but Rebecca is right on about this, and I wanted to cry reading her words that express what so many people fail to comprehend.

Violence against women is an incredibly personal issue to me, having grown up in a home where this was the very real day-to-day. My mother was with my father for nearly twenty years, during which he beat the metaphorical shit out of her on a regular basis. My mother suffered countless bruises and cuts, pulled muscles, and fractured bones. She was in the emergency room a couple of times. The local cops knew both of my parents, my sisters, myself, and even our dogs by name because they were at our home in the middle of the night so often. We spent the night in a motel or at a family member’s house more times than I can remember. And I can tell you that it was never, not once, something any decent person would joke about, because it was not in the least fucking bit funny. 

My mother is also one of the most intelligent, sensitive, and insightful people I have ever known. Domestic violence is not an issue of being smart enough to run away. It’s not an issue of being strong enough to leave. It is so much bigger and so much deeper than that. I can’t honestly tell you that I even really understand what it was like for her, despite that fact that I was there the majority of time. I know how I felt, how it affected and still affects me. I can try to imagine how I think I might feel if I were her. But I’m not, so I don’t really know what she thought or felt because I am not her, and because without walking in someone else’s shoes, without living someone else’s life, it is impossible to assume their experience. But I know that whether a woman leaves in a situation like this or not isn’t a reflection of her intellectual or emotional capacity. And I know that jokes about violence against women in any way are as unacceptable as jokes about rape or racism or sexism or ableism. They are unacceptable because they contribute little by little to an attitude that tells us that these things are not serious, that they are not issues. They contribute to a culture that blames victims rather than perpetrators, that doesn’t discuss the roots of these problems, their prevalence, or their possible solutions, that keeps you quiet and pushes you aside when you need help & later ridicules you for not seeking assistance. It’s not funny and it’s not ok.

My mom was lucky. She did finally get away. She did survive. But for that sake of the women that didn’t and those that won’t, please watch your fucking mouth, ok?